things are never what they seem.
not perfect.
terrible?
i wouldnt know.
that's not where i am.
is this everyones destiny?
because even now, i feel like this could mess me up somehow.
but...maybe not. absolutely not.

surreal.
i dont even know what to say.
i dont even remember what came out of my lips.
it was like still-life.
no one moved.
just standing...laughing nervously.
i dont remember these people well.
and i know she'd turn in her grave at our indifference.
i wonder what will change...if anything.
i miss the past.
im hopeful for the future.

i cant even write about the thing that plagues my mind.
i promised myself not to be bothered by it.
these sentences are contradicting enough without me delving into the endless ways my feelings have been hurt, how people i love are hurting, and how incredibly selfish and spolied one person can be.

so  things are never what they seem.
and this time it's your fault.
still i'm left wondering...what makes you count more than i do?
what makes what youre doing and saying and giving and receiving more special, worth more extra thought and love and consideration and support?
fucking why?
i dont care.
it's heartbreaking that i even have to consider these thoughts.

i mean...it's not like anyone would be surprised or sad if we just went on our own way.
if we just did what we really wanted.
im not sure what it is about us...
we must do something wrong in some way.
im almost sure it's actually just me.
i think there were more people before i came around.
even the people i know are that way.
i wonder when i became this way or if it's always been like that.

things are never what they seem.
now it's time to go back to pretending i understand what's happening and what im doing when i interact with other people. when i step into the 'real' world.
im just my soul stuck in this body.
this shell.
and im often unsure of the people i am tied to.
but not the one i have tied myself to.
if you can make sense of that.