reflections of an asshole

I lie a lot.
Not in a malicious way, or an incredibly insincere way (if u dig)
But in a way that's easier than explaining something I don't know the explaination of.
I often can't tell the truth from the world I've created to appease my anxiety.
How do you tell someone you...
See. I can't.

I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror?
Who is this long haired skinny bitch?
Is that fucking blush?
Please.
Eyes I don't recognize.
Just blank.
Maybe someone sucked out my soul when I was asleep.

They say that crazy people don't know they're crazy...

But couldn't the thought of potentially being crazy drive you insane.

I wish that I were a nicer person.
A smarter person.
I wish more than anything I was a smarter person.
I try.
Reading can only...
Not that any of it matters.

Even if I happened to be the smartest person alive,
I'm sure i'd still be the same asshole crying about something.
As usual.

I certainly feel disconnected today.
From everyone. Him and me and everyone.
Lost.
And then asked the favor of asking a favor when things weren't even in place.
But who I am?
No one.
Wife sleeping.dreaming.reading. heap of clothes and quilts and pillows.
Missing badly the world that is made.