this is completely overwhelming.
i wish that i weren't doing it 'alone'.
i wish that you knew
and we could talk about it.
and act like we're so excited.
because i am so excited.

but when i do tell you,
you'll make me feel badly about it.
because that's what you do best.
and it will go from being a beautiful day
to an ugly day
in just a few short sentences.
because you won't be able to contain the garbage that often leaks out of your mouth.
a worry disguised as a condescending snip.

you can't take this from me.
you aren't going to rob me of this experience.
i hate the fact that i have to tell you.
because feelings will be hurt
and bonds will be broken.
and these old wounds will be once again rubbed raw.
sore and aching from the fight.

this is not how little girls dream of this being.
but i was not a little girl that had dreams like this.

and now...

now i just don't fucking know how to act.